Saturday, February 6, 2010

Depression, I'm Leaving You!

Today, I am going to lighten up,
throw the drapes open wide at the windows,
allow the light to dissolve the gloom in the room.
Darkness has suffocated
the rooms of my heart long enough.
And, when I audition
a trembling smile in the mirror,
I'll ignore the sweat bees of guilt
that circle and sting me into submission -
then I'll do it again for practice.
I'm awake now -
unnecessary guilt is the Great Betrayer,
not the other way around.
Today, I will trust the Joy.

Forget the obligation to grief
with it's sackcloth and ashes,
push back the heavy coat of somber
in that closet of sad,
remove the grey garments,
and kick them to the curb.
I'm taking my yellow shirt
out of mothballs,
trashing that bottle
of Bitter-Pill-to-be-Swallowed,
that one-a-day I ingested
so voluntarily in former days.

I want to gather dandelions
rather than roses,
to bury my face
in those soft ruffled heads.
I want the warmth
from those tiny suns
to be my fuel.
I am weary of thorns,
of regret pricking my heart
and making it hemorrhage
the sweet things of life.
I want to eat
a dripping ice cream cone
for breakfast, to let
that sweet goodness
get on my hands, to get on me.
I want to eat dessert first.
I want Duty to stand in the corner.

Depression, I'm leaving you!
I'm picking myself up
and dusting myself off.
I'm acting as if
I'm carefree,
until I believe it,
in this yellow shirt
I'm wearing,
as I set out -
to save my own life.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Winter Poem

Winter Poem
It's winter in Nebraska
and the gentle breezes blow
seventy miles an hour
at thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Nebraska
when the snow's up to your butt
you take a breath of winter
and your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
so I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Nebraska
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!
Author unknown. Happy Winter!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Thousand Slivers of Glass

Yesterday's crust of snow
crunched under my boots
after the 2 am call yanked
me from my warm bed.
I picked my way slowly
through the sidewalk ice jams,
while my mind raced on ahead.
I groaned blizzards of the
only foxhole prayer that
my numb lips could form,
Dear God! Blue baby. Oh God!
The few blocks seemed so far,
but not far enough
to avoid standing on the street curb,
watching the ambulance pull away.

I couldn't help it,
my eyes were automatically
pulled up into a desperate search
for a sign in that night sky
that looked like blue velvet
studded with diamonds.
And then, I saw
a holy trinity of stars
swipe a luminous arc
in an indigo sky, and the
cloud-veil parted slightly,
long enough to glimpse
celestial fireworks - blinking
quasars and flashing nebulae
to light your way as you
skipped gleefully over
The-Cow-Jumps-Over-The-Moon
and ricocheted past Twinkle Little Star;
you mocked gravity
with your angel escort;
and without looking back,
you quietly departed.

One question pulsated
in my mind. How can you
live when your heart is shattered
into a thousand slivers of glass?
And in the reverberating silence,
a hideous knowing took shape:
I'm in exile here,
earthbound,
shivering,
and jealous of God.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Take It For Granted

I don't know why we do it, but it seems to be human nature to take the people we love for granted. We take for granted that they know how much we care about them, how much they mean to us or that they are important in our life -and so we run faster and further and don't take the time to really, really LOOK at them and see how they are doing. We get so busy, so preoccupied, that we don't take the time to show those we love that we appreciate them. Often we wake up one day and there is such a distance between us, that we don't know how to bridge that huge gulf of neglect.

Much of this is because we don't pay attention; we are engrossed in our own drama and life; we assume they know without effort on our part that we love them more than anything else in the world. Many times, the important people in our life don't feel special to us because we take them for granted.

Last week, I was feeling very taken for granted and pushed aside. I did not feel special at all. I felt very hurt. And as I've thought about this, and we have tried to deal with this together, I had to tell someone who professed to love me that I did not feel loved, or special, much less valued, esteemed or treasured. At all.

Who doesn't want to be cherished and adored and esteemed to be the greatest treasure in the person you love's life? I could be wrong, but I think this is one of the greatest needs in people today. They want to not only to be told they are important to their special someone, but to have that demonstrated by their actions. We all want to be adored.

So, as I was praying about this today, and I was pouring my heart out to God, and I had this thought come to me, that he understood how I felt, because He is taken for granted by His loved ones, too....all the time. All He wants is for us to love Him, and want to have a relationship with Him. There was no condemnation in this, just that He knew how I felt, because He feels it, too.

I am guilty of that. I have taken my relationship with the Lord for grated. Oh, He will always be there, I'll talk to Him, later, instead of treating Him as a valued friend who walks by my side every minute of the day. And like the wonderful friend Jesus is, He did not condemn me, He just shared so I would understand His feelings, too.

I went for a bike ride, and when I returned home and parked my bike, I realized that the fountain was not running and needed cleaned. So, I unplugged it and tipped the water out and then after I had laid the parts on the lawn, I walked to get the garden hose and turn on the water hydrant. There in the grass, there were long feathers, short feathers, fluffy feathers and bi-colored ones, too. I found 10 in all in the short walk to get the hose. I set the fountain up again, and turned on the water, and looked at the fistful of feathers I had in my hands. My heart felt lighter - light as a feather.

Jesus does not take it for granted that I know He loves me....he gives me reminders everyday, in addition to sticking as close as a brother. He never leaves me, he never rejects me. He loves me as no other - unconditionally. I was so blind to take that love for granted. And to top that off, He even gives me the wisdom and power to make those changes.

I am more conscious, now, and determined to not take those I love for granted, again. I want them to know what a treasure they are to me. I want them to know I cherish our times together and value their love as the best thing that has happened to me in my life. And I especially want Jesus to know that, too.